Are We There Yet?

I went on a bike ride today. It was fairly windy (check out the flags at the HB pier); I haven’t been riding much lately, so it was HARD. I felt like I was pedaling underwater. When I got to the bird sanctuary in Huntington Beach (same place I ran over the snake that one time), I was so done. And I still had a good four miles left to go. Needless to say, I made it. I didn’t die. But I didn’t love it, either. Why does so much of life feel that way? Just putting one foot in front of the other, plodding along, feeling like we’ll never get “there”. To that thing that we want to get to.

March is always bittersweet for me. Every March 9 I get to celebrate being cancer-free one more year. March 9 is also the day my mom passed away. I have a hard time reconciling those things in my heart. I am, of course, super grateful that I don’t have cancer anymore. But my heart aches to have my mom here to celebrate with me. To pick up the phone and get her advice about something, or ask how she made her turkey stuffing, or just hear her laugh (which was the BEST by the way), and I can't. Am I grateful that I got cancer because I learned and grew so much? Absolutely. But let’s be honest…I don’t have cancer anymore. If you’re still in the middle of trying to get to the thing, are you grateful for what you’re learning along the way? Maybe not.

In the first ten days of March this year, I have seen my dear uncle say goodbye to his precious wife of 72 years, another friend lose his mom, and several other friends and family suffer random and unexpected losses. I know others that are experiencing the ongoing sadness and confusion of infertility, divorce, anxiety, illness…the list goes on. So for those of us that believe in God, how DO we reconcile those things in our hearts?

I think we have done a huge disservice to ourselves and others by over-izing everything. We over-politicize, over-sensitize, and yes, over-spiritualize. And you know what happens? We polarize. We exaggerate all these things without knowing it just by being passionate about our agenda. But when someone is suffering, do you think they want to hear “she’s in a better place”? Or “it’s for the best, God’s in control” or “He must have something better for you, just trust him” when all you want is to be pregnant, or not be anxious, not be divorced, have your loved one back, or get to that thing we want to get to. Whatever the thing is that’s causing the pain, we simply don’t want it.

When I was suffering through the crushing disappointment of years of infertility, people would say to me in a hopeful tone “well you can just adopt then” and I would think “or I can just punch you in the face.” But to be honest, something deep and spiritual would not have been any better. When you’re under it, the overwhelmed-ness, the ache of regret, the sorrow of loss…NOTHING is the right thing to say. When God doesn’t feel near, maybe so far away you’re not even sure he’s there at all, you’re hurt and confused and you’re not sure he’s even good. You’re P I S S E D. And it’s super hard to hear the pat Christian answers to all the questions you’re asking. Wondering where God is when you’re suffering is a common, normal, human thing to do. And if you’ve never done it, you probably have never experienced a really devastating loss. Or you’re just a way better Christian than most of us.

So…listen. Understand that the person in front of you or on the other side of the phone or email is HURTING. That the best way you can show God to them is by letting them get “there” on their own. You can’t SAY anything to take away their pain, so resist the urge to read them the passage that was in your Daily Bible TODAY, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! OMG the irony! No.

Also…pray. Because even if you think God is mean, and turning his head away from you or your people that are suffering, or not even there at all, it can’t hurt. Pray for what you want even if you don’t think he exists, or ask others to. I do happen to believe that he does exist, but I understand if you’re not there. Instead of saying something that will only serve to make you feel guilty, I will listen. And I will pray.