Picking Cherries, FOMO, and other news.

So…I’m retiring from ROCKHARBOR. At the end of June, after 17+ years on staff, I’ll be an attender. A butt in a seat. I hope to be more than that, but I’m struggling with that, and the reasons why. I haven’t formally announced it because I’m not sure I want it to be true.

I hate it when people over spiritualize things, so in the spirit of full disclosure I don’t want to say that God is calling me to something else when truthfully I’m simply ready for a different rhythm in my life.

I have loved my time there for multiple reasons, which brings me to why I’m struggling with why I hope to be more than a butt in a seat. Even though I’ve been, for the most part, someone behind the scenes, there is a certain notoriety that comes with being on staff at a church like RH. I don’t want to want the notoriety. I want to continue to serve, but will I be okay with the fact that no one knows who I am? Truthfully, I’m not sure.

There is so, so much I will miss, but that’s a blog for another day. Today is about selective envy, or cherry-picking. Wiktionary defines it as: To pick out the best or most desirable items from a list or group, especially to obtain some advantage or to present something in the best possible light.

The other night Reggie and I were talking about a beautiful home we had seen, honestly we were coveting, and I remembered my friend Debbie talking about a game they would play when walking around Balboa Island looking at amazing homes on the water. I mean, who doesn’t want to live in one of those houses? The caveat though was that you could pick out a house, but you couldn’t change anything about it. You had to keep the location, furniture, style, everything. Have you seen the house with all the bears?? Location=AMAZING. Bears=WHAT IN THE…Frustrating, right? But isn’t that pretty true to life?

How much would change if you had to take everything, as is? If you apply that rule to that thing that you’re coveting, would you still want it? You can’t just have the house, you have to have the marriage, the family, the life, the bears, the relationships…everything.

So I’m realizing how guilty I am of cherry-picking and FOMO when I want my life to stay exactly the same, even after I leave staff. We had a ministry planning staff day away last week (sorry, ministry speak which most of you won’t get), and I didn’t really need to go since I won’t even be there and don’t need to write a ministry plan. But I had to go because it was my last one. Not because anyone was making me, but because I fear missing out on all the fun parts of being on staff at ROCKHARBOR.

I still want to be a part of the staff days, retreats, laughter, fun, camaraderie. I still want people to come sit in my office because they’re hurting, and they need prayer, or they want to tell me something funny, or they just want the multitude of candy that’s in my bottom drawer. I want people to know who I am. But I don’t want to have to be anywhere at a certain time, for a certain amount of time. I don’t want to get up to an alarm clock anymore, unless it’s because I’m spending the day with my kids and grandkids or walking at Crystal Cove with my friends.

If you’re anything like me, we don’t just want it both ways, we want it all the ways.

I have to be okay with not being a part of the fun and the laughter and 3rd Wednesday staff meetings where it’s the one and only time the staff gets to worship, all together, and it’s beautiful and intimate and now I’m crying. Because you only get to do that if you’re on staff. I can’t pick the best cherries, the most desirable items, only present myself in the best possible light. I have to choose, and I hate that part. And I’m terrified that I’m choosing wrong.

So…in life, faith, family, politics, jobs…are you, like me, inclined to pick only the best cherries out of the bowl? Or are you willing to take the good with the bears? If you got to choose that thing that you so desperately want, are you able to take everything that goes with it?

I think I’m about to find out. I’ll keep you posted.